111 Quotes by Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.