111 Quotes by Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.