65 Quotes by Victoria Wood

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

Well, I think there’s not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who’s eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It’s only when you act as if you’re someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.

My mother, she didn’t believe in praise. She’d never say anything was great. I think that’s quite Northern, to not make people feel too good. I didn’t mind if she was proud of me or not, it didn’t bother me. I was never trying to please her.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down – and a woman is designed to say, ‘you took your time’ when he comes back dripping wet.

You know daytime television? You know what it’s supposed to be for? It’s to keep unemployed people happy. It’s supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

I’ve never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I’ve never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Music enriches people’s lives in the same way paintings and literature do. Everybody deserves that.