330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I'm looking for loopholes.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.