330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.