330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I’ve been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four-letter words.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.