330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I’ve been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.