330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I’m not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I’m asked to believe.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

Ain’t fit for man nor beast.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.