330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world’s smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.