330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.

I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.