330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream,but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get fout of it alive.

Remember, a dead fish can float down stream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.