330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no one likes to have to keep one.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.

Women are like elephants to me; I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.