204 Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name – and you’ve never been to that bar before.

I don’t like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don’t sit down and write them, it’s just things that pop into my head. Then I’ll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I am not into publicity. I’m not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

Hookers don’t like to snuggle.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don’t have to shave.

I want to do another reality show. It’s based on The Mole. It’s about sexually transmitted diseases. It’s called “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

I think if they put a laugh track on ‘Intervention,’ it would be funny.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don’t kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.