204 Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

My forte is awkwardness.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.