204 Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

I kind of put myself out there as is. I’m a quiet person. I don’t know if that’s surprising. I’m a Pilates junkie.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it’s a little protective.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ is, like, really funny.

I don’t really have a pattern yet. I don’t know if I’ll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don’t have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you’re fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza’s star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, ‘Who’s the boss now?’

I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are mean.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There’s just too much money.

You’re not supposed to be accepting trophies. You’re supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.