I have two choices: attend my sister's dinner party or tie a plastic sack around my mother's head until she runs out of ngagging. I choose the evil that doesn't come witha felony conviction.

Can I ask you something?Boxers. Briefs exacerbate my claustrophobia.

Five years, my family thinks it's time I moved on. I'd like to move on with a non-asshole

Are you menstruating?what?You're angry. Women are often angry when they menstruate. It is the hormones.

Do you realize you're talking to yourself?Yes.It's good that you know the difference.

You're not dead.I'm not dead.Why? How?Dying wasn't on my list.

If you kill him, call me. I'm bound by doctor client privilege.Really?No, but the courts make exceptions for assholes.

Do you want me, too?Yes. And no.I'll take that. For now.

Just a cold. And I think maybe I'm pregnant, because I'm always riding the porcelain bus, or thinking about it.