Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.