It’s a truism in policing that witnesses and statements are fine, but nothing beats empirical physical evidence. Actually it isn’t a truism because most policemen think the word ‘empirical’ is something to do with Darth Vader, but it damn well should be.

There was also a great absence of people, including behind the mahogany-topped reception desk. Now, there’s a time when an unlocked premises is a positive boon to a police officer as in – I was just looking to ascertain the whereabouts of the proprietor when I stumbled across the Class A controlled substances which were in plain sight in the bottom drawer of a locked desk in an upstairs office, M’lord.

Carved above the lintel were the words SCIENTIA POTESTAS EST. Science points east, I wondered? Science is portentous, yes? Science protests too much. Scientific potatoes rule. Had I stumbled on the lair of dangerous plant geneticists?

So etwas wie ein ständiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es übrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur häppchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzügen zu schließen, die an uns vorüberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menü für sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegönnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Glückskeks.

It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability.

Actually I'd always thought he sat in the library with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry until the commissioner called him on the bat phone and summoned him into action. Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.

The night may be dark and full of terrors, I thought, but I've got a big stick.

Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland.

The kitchen was the kind of brushed steel monstrosity that looks more like it's designed to weaponise viruses than cook dinner.