I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Where are all the sour patch parents?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.