I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.