545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.