545 Quotes by Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes By Tag


  • Author Chelsea Handler
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    Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

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  • Author Chelsea Handler
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    Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

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  • Author Chelsea Handler
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    Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

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  • Author Chelsea Handler
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    My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

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  • Author Chelsea Handler
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    My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

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