I am no longer the left behind. I am the living. And I want everything this life has to offer. I stop for a second and look around at all the shops and stores and stalls. At all the people, going about their days, at all the moments they're living. This is what I want. I want to live every moment. I want to feel everything.

Because I'm living, and I sure as hell don't have a clue how to feel anything but empty.

Get away from my house and all its rooms that echo, all the rooms I don't enter anymore.

I don't tell her that my grasp on truth, on words, on people, has slipped. I was getting close, so close to normal again, and that's been snatched away. I'm not even back where I started. I'm somewhere else entirely, so far off the map I don't know where to turn next.

But I don't feel like dealing because dealing requires too much energy, and energy is what I lack.

But I am tired of everyone being gone, and I am tired of everything that has tired me out for the last five years of my life.

Nothing is ever enough.

Yeah, I'm just here for - " I stop for a second, because I'm not sure how to finish the line out loud. To see if I can ever be happy, or even remotely human, again. Would you happen to have the magic cure?

My mom was there to answer the unanswerable, to make sense of the fault in our life - and we got through that somehow; we came out on the other side. Now I'm 0 for 2 and I don't get any more pitches to swing at.