Maybe it's time to stop being a soldier and go home to be a father. And a husband for Deanna. I'm not sure how.

I will always hate war, but will be forever proud of mine.

Evan no longer tells people I fight bad guys for a living. When asked, he tells his friends that his dad talks on the phone a lot and vacuums on occasion.

Are you okay, man?""Yeah, I'm good."It's a lie. I wonder if I will ever be good again.

I am a Christian, but my time in Iraq has convinced me that God doesn't want to hear from me anymore. I've done things that He can never forgive. I've done them consciously. I've made decisions I must live with for years to come. I am not a victim. In each instance, I heard my conscience call for restraint, I told it to shut the fuck up and let me handle my business. All the sins I've committed, I've done with one objective: to keep my men alive.