Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".