When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.