I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time.

Everyone should have an evil secret plan...

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.