I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.