The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.

Some men never feel small, but these are the few men who are.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.

To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.