There are three stages of life: 1. Birth. 2. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 3. Death.

How am I supposed to make big decisions when I still have to sing the alphabet to myself to alphabetize stuff?

Are you sure? Because it looks bad. And you’re pale. You’re never pale.”“I’ve seen him look much worse,” Dell said. “Like last year, when I signed him up for this online dating thing. He got all scared. He was pretty pale then.”“Because I was stalked,” Adam said. “By a crazy person.”“Aw, she wasn’t that bad. And she bought you that teddy bear, remember? Because you were her cuddle umpkins. How scary can a woman who says ‘cuddle umpkins’ be?

on a scale of mental breakdowns from Justin Bieber to Britney Spears, I think I’m about a Shia LaBeouf.