You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually.

Are you trying to be subtle? Because I know you're talking about the honeybunnyless prom tragedy that is my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I wasn't thinking about none of y'all. I. Wanted. To. Save. My. Ass

Oh my god, I am a banana.

they love their hair because they're not smart enough to love anything more interesting

Me: "it does not taste like God Himself cooked heaven into a series of five dishes which were then served to you accompanied by several luminous balls of fermented, bubbly plasma while actual and literal flower petals floated down all around you canal-siide dinner table."Gus: "Nicely phrased"Gus's father: Our children are weird."My dad: "Nicely phrased

The poor Sufi dressed in rags walked into a jewelry store owned by a rich merchant and asked him, "Do you know how you’re going to die." And the Sufi said, "I do.""How?" asked the merchant.And the Sufi lay down, crossed his arms, said, "Like this," and died, whereupon the merchant promptly gave up his store to live a life of poverty in pursuit of the kind of spiritual wealth the dead Sufi had acquired.