You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree.

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.