One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans.

I'm an open book. But some of the pages are stuck together.

Irony of the day: arthritis medication with a cap that old people can't get off, because of their arthritis.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...unless it instead snaps your spine. Then it makes you a paraplegic.

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that's because I don't eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend to define things by their function, and this particular surface is a desk, so perhaps piggish is unfair.

I've never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It's only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the salisburies?

If a UFO did land, and invite me onboard, I'd love to have the balls to go in. So, I search the skies for extra testicles.

That's like leaping off a precipice and trying to knit yourself a parachute on the way down.