My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.