When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

I was an awkward kid.

You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They just keep coming with more questions - why, why, why? - until you don't even know who the fk you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction.

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.