What's great about stand-up is that you can say whatever you want and go around the country, and sometimes the world, and work on it and see how people react. You don't need Standards & Practices or notes from lawyers or producers to tell you what's funny.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.