You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.