335 Quotes by Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.