Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.