What's this business about the 'little man in the canoe?' If it's big enough for a canoe, it's too big for me.

Always wanted a girl with a heart-shaped ass. Most of my exes have ass-shaped hearts.

SHE WAS A KNOCKOUT. A stoned fox. I’d never seen her before. Not one of the cutesy Irish Barbie Dolls I normally fell for, this was something of a different class altogether. No disco glam or sparkles or fashionably trashy stripper chic. No make-up or slutty, revealing outfit. No desperate, tits-in-your-face “notice me” B.S. This was something pure and earthy -- fresh as newly cut grass. The smoking-hot girl next door, but yet completely of another world and time. A true classic.

A woman on an online dating site asked if I'd ever had an STD. I told her my high school prom date was named 'Chlamydia.

I'm so antisocial, that whenever I have sex with a woman, I close my eyes and pretend I'm masturbating.