I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.