I don’t care who you are, but I am pretty sure that you are much more interesting on social media than you are in person.

If I treated all people the way I treat my dogs, I would be the perfect human being. The problem there is the fact that I enjoy animals much more than I enjoy people.

There is no point in feeling like a huge disappointment because that’s your parents’ job. Let them be disappointed in you and let them compete with their friends in a weekly round of Whose Child is the Worst. In fact, let them win a round or two.

If you can’t reach it while you’re lying down, you don’t need it.

Give up on your dreams, they are probably stupid. Unless everybody else thinks they are stupid – then you can’t give up because you have to prove them wrong.