I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'.

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.

Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.

But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.