Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.

Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

It's arguably the best newspaper in the world.

That was liquid football

There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks ago I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.

You really have got lots of issues! Yeah, of 'What Car Magazine'!

I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me, back of the net!