Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.