462 Quotes About Absurd

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

Applaud my idiocy.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

How fishy on the fishiness scale? Ten is a stickleback and one is a whale shark.""A whale isn't a fish, Thursday.""A whale shark is--sort of.""All right, it's as fishy as a crayfish.""A crayfish isn't a fish.""A starfish, then.""Still not a fish.""This is a very odd conversation, Thursday.