24,501 Quotes About Humor

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Luckily," he went on, "you have come to exactly the right place with your interesting problem, for there is no such word as 'impossible' in my dictionary. In fact," he added, brandishing the abused book, "everything between 'herring' and 'marmalade' appears to be missing.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.