Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.