83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.