83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.