14 Quotes by Angela Kiss

Sometimes you see English people going out to pub, bar or disco with friends, standing awkwardly together drinking beer or gin and tonic and waiting for something ‘romantic’ to happen. Usually nothing happens apart from everybody getting drunk, which is hardly romantic. So, typically, instead of meeting Mr or Miss Right they meet Mr or Miss Right Now, which lasts as long as there is enough alcohol circulating in the blood vessel.

Living in the era of social media and dating apps, online dating is also a very popular dating method in England. It perfectly suits the English person’s superpower: being the invisible man or woman. They also like to keep their distance, and the internet is perfect for that. Also complimenting someone is easier online than offline; you don’t even have to say anything you just press a ‘like’ or a ‘wink’ button and that’s it; perfectly suitable for romantically retarded people.

Dating in England is different. First of all because English people don’t like at all other people knowing them, and second, because English people are romantically impaired.

If you sit on an airplane and you tell the English person sitting next to you that you have a bomb in your bag, they would probably be pissed off. Not as much pissed off as if you were talking to them all the time during the journey, but still, quite pissed off.

Typical English holidaymakers prefer not to mingle with foreigners since they strongly believe that they already have too many of them in England. The last thing they need during their holiday is to see and meet more aliens. Actually, that is the main reason why they choose a holiday abroad, to escape from aliens who occupy England.

Never be ashamed of asking for tap water in restaurants. It is only embarrassing and a sign of poorness in Europe. (According to The English, England is not part of Europe. Never has been, never will be. England is England, not part of anything.)

English people don’t like to be told ‘enjoy your meal’. They will enjoy their meal if they feel like enjoying it. It is advisable not to command them such things in case they have other plans with their meal, such as preferring to dislike it.

Never, and by this I mean never, criticise the English weather. Especially if you’re an alien. For an English woman, it’s as though you are scolding her first born child. For an Englishman, it’s as if you are criticising the size of his penis. Or even worse: his football team.

According to them, everyone wants to be English. Being English is the best thing in the world. (Far behind, the second best thing is being God himself.)